Sport Psychology: Dealing with a Negative Trainer

Interviews

Sport Psychology for Dressage Riders

Question: In your last article you talked about the qualities of good coaching. I really love my coach. She is my friend and my greatest supporter, but she is very negative when she teaches me.

She always tells me what I’m doing wrong, but doesn’t always explain how to do it right. How can I talk to her about this without offending her?

Answer: Confronting your coach with a problem can be very difficult. I understand you do not want to upset her, yet this sounds like an important issue to you. I suggest you first approach this subject with your coach when you are off your horse, and when your coach has enough time to sit down and really listen to you. Ask your coach if there is a time when she has five minutes for a private chat.

When talking about a difficult issue with someone you care about you can use a communication technique called a “Positivity Sandwich”. In this technique you can sandwich the negative part of your message between a positive beginning and a positive ending. For instance, in your case you could break down your message into three steps:

Positive beginning: “I’m so thankful to have you as a trainer. I’ve learned so much from you in the past, however….”
Negative middle: “I’ve noticed that I when you tell me what I’m doing wrong it is informative, but what really helps me the most is when you show me how to do it right. I think I learn best when you describe what we’re hoping to accomplish, as it helps me form a clear image of what I want. I was wondering if you could help me by explaining our goals, rather than focusing just on what I’m doing wrong. ”
Positive Ending: “I’m really looking forward to the next couple of months to see how far we can get.”

By prefacing your negative message with a positive statement, your trainer will feel more receptive to the suggestions you are making. The final positive statement will help her to understand that the relationship is not in danger, and that she does not need to worry.
Notice that the negative portion of your statement was not made as an accusation to your trainer. You owned the “problem”, and made it about you, not about her being a bad coach. You did not tell her that she was teaching badly, you merely informed her of how you like to learn. By keeping the difficult portion of your communication phrased in a positive way, you are modeling how to focus on the solution, not the problem.

You will probably need to remind your coach to stay positive. You will not need to use the “Positivity Sandwich” every time. Once you’ve used it once you can just remind her by saying, “I’m not quite sure what we’re trying to accomplish. Can you explain what ___________looks like when it is done really well?”. Or you can say, ”Please give me two or three things to think about that will help me the most right now.”

This approach to working through problems is equally powerful when we communicate with our horse. When riding, if we focus on what is going wrong then we unconsciously communicate those negative images to our horse.

Horses think in images, rather than words. If you send your horse a negative image, then that is often the image you will create. Focus on what you want, not on what you do not want. If you focus on what you do not want, you may create what you do not want. This does not mean you should ignore problems in training. It simply means that it is most effective to keep focusing on the solution to your problem, rather than getting stuck on the problem itself.

Give your trainer some time to make the changes you are requesting. A lot of teaching is habitual and she may need your help to stay on track. Hopefully she is willing to learn from her student!

If you would like any further information about Sport Psychology for dressage, check out my web site, www.seanaadamson.com. You can also email me with your questions or comments at seanaadams@aol.com. I enjoy hearing from you!